Pete, they’re leaving
bye Sharon bye Sharon’s date
hey Sharon you’re right he does look like a young Sean Connery
remember you just met no farther than second base
oh, she hates us so much
it’s driving me crazy
tell me about it, so far I’ve counted six ornaments and two chairs what could Mrs. Wexler possibly do with six ornaments ?
ok, sunday is our one year anniversary, Melissa and I and I know she’s gonna make a big deal out of it
why do I smell peaches ?
10:30 am after 24 hours of testing Peachy Keen cream my skin feels unusually soft and subtle
“hey man, how’re doing ?”
wait wait wait, “Michelle” Bergin ?
they're only taking women
what am I gonna do with you "Michelle" ?
here, let me help you with that
oh that’s good why don’t you guys just lie right across the steps ?
Pete, look, sarcasm
do you have any idea how happy I am that women is finally moving out ?
- meanwhile you steal her T.V. guide every week - oh, like she ever knew
Mrs. Wexler oh, we’re sure gonna miss you
yeah, and your oatmeal butter scottshies
you’re such sweet boys goodbye Peter, so long Berg
Mrs. Wexler, we’re really sorry to see you leave
I’m sure you are now how you’re gonna know what’s on T.V. ?
- happy anniversary - how did you know ?
- Melissa told me - ah, you hear that, she’s telling the neighbors
Melissa, is that the little school teacher who laughs during intercourse ?
hm, yes that’s, hm yes
God bless her I guess she’ll be yakking it up on sunday night !
you hear that, Melissa is telling everyone she’s completely out of control
- yeah, we should get someone really great to move in here - you’re right
what’re you doing ?
I’ll just set up our own stringing process before anybody even gets to the landlord
and how do you propose to do that ?
I still have Mrs. Wexler spare keys she gave me for emergencies
- and T.V. guides - shut up
we'll just, show the apartement ourselves
- sneaky, vaguely unethical, uproofed - wow wow, Pete, Pete, what do you think ?
I don’t know, I’ve only been with her for a year why is she doing this to me ?
ok, so basically you want someone who’s not gonna bug you someone who travels
someone who travels will be huge
she probably got her entire kindergarten class cranking up macaroni cards
- a pilot would be great - we should invest everything we have in ranzony
- or even better than a pilot, a stewardess - they’re called flight attendants now Berg
I apologize, that was sexist
no kidding, and I am not about to live next door to some short skirted sky slut
hey, let’s take a vote Pete
- my God, I have to get her a gift - see, that’s two for stewardess
why do I smell peaches ?
- Pete, a little help here - got it
Berg, you’ve been on the clock for 45 min and you already had 7 slices of pizza
- I’m hungry - so is my family
3:15, starting to experience an unusual increase of appetite and Bill’s being mean
ahem, you’ll never guess where I found our flyer Berg
- at the gym - at the gym ?
- yeah, in the women’s locker room - no
I don’t even wanna know how you got in there !
oh, that reminds me, I’ve gotta give you your sundress back
hey you guys, look what I just found in the ladies room isn’t this your building ?
ok, now that’s a coincidence aw
- yeah, that’s our building - and since when did you become the landlord ?
since we changed the number on forum to send into Sharon’s apartment
sneaking into ladies room ! huh, that is just low !
don’t get sanctimonious with me missy where’d put your flyers ?
- we’re talking about you now - I said where ?
couple of monasteries, the yoga institute
- aha, so she wants someone locy and lomate and he wants … - alter babes
- speak of which, you should check you machine - oh, good idea, I bet dozen of naked women have called by now
look you guys, I’m sure you’re gonna find a compromise well maybe a deaf mute with a double D cup
yummy
I gotta go sweetie, I gotta hit the supply store by 5 monday is paper ma-shay day
you think I don’t know that ?
- I can’t wait for tomorrow night - yeah, me too
- man, Sharon what am gonna do ? - shh, I can’t hear
oh, this one must be one of yours some girl named Honey Labrador
she sounds naked oops I deleted it
hello, a little help !
- here you go Sharon - oh, thanks Bill
did I leave, am I here ?
- what ? - what ?
what am I gonna got Melissa for our anniversary ?
I donno, how about a nice bracelet ?
- are you kidding ? - what ?
look Sharon, the bracelet as we all know is a large member of the ring family ! and that I’m not ready for
- how about a cappocino maker ? - ah, that’s too intimate
- coffee maker ? - possibly, if it’s a ten cup, but anything smaller well you know …
we’re celebrating the moment of our lives
hey Bill, what did you get El last year for your anniversary ?
oh, I got this picture of us and put it in a frame yeah, it was a picture of me and El walking on the beach at the Cap
and I took these little sea shells we collected, and I bleached them, polished them, glued them around the frame
even sprinkled glitter on them so they can shimmer like the waves …
what ?
that is so sweet see, why don’t you do that ?
no, picture says portrait, portrait says family
- and what’s wrong with that ? - I don’t want to lead her on
I know, why don’t you give her a picture of you in bed with another girl !? you know, so that it doesn’t lead her on !
come on Sharon, I love her
- then a gift should say that, why is so difficult ? - because I don’t want it to say it to much
- you know Pete, nothing says I love you like a pathetic lake of commitment - Berg, it’s saturday, and our anniversary is tomorrow
- Pete, in my experience the gift of saying I love you is all you really need - I appreciate that Mr. Bauer
- on our anniversary my love and I made something … - and we’re on
it started with a little piece of clay I sat behind her at her potter’s wheel as it spun and spun
the wheel is turning faster and faster, our hands working as one, clay flying everywhere
but then, tragically, I was murdered by an embezzling co-worker my one regret was, I never got to tell her I love her
all I could say was “dido”
in the end it took a hilarious black psychic to bring us together
huh, thanks for the help
- so, how long have you been in the circus ? - six years
out … standin !
- just for our files - doesn’t that hurt ?
- no, not at all, I’m double jointed - oh, yeay
- ah, can I see the apartment now ? - you know, it looks just like this one, only with no furniture and a couple of rats
and I think somebody chopped up somebody in the bedroom it’s good meeting you
- I … - byee
she seemed … neighborly
you only liked her because she can lick her own back
- and you’re saying that’s a bad thing ? - let’s just go over our choices
fine
- ok, um … now, I’m leaning towards Max Larsen - no way, he lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows
well, he like his privacy
- because he’s a serial killer - you know Berg, you’re being impossible
fine, you know what ? you just take your little files, and pick the ones you want
because my opinion obviously doesn’t mean anything, it’s always about you so just do … whatever
what is wrong with you ? you’re irritable, you’re eating like a pig, you got teary eyes last night while watching a T.V. commercial
hey, the guy just called to say I love you mom
if I didn’t know better I would say you’re PMSing
oh, sure, just blame it on PMS Sharon, that is so … typical
- I found it, I got Melissa the perfect gift - good for you
- haha - it’s a toster
yeah, I need you to wrap it for me and, I’m taking her for a romantic dinner at “La Boème”
I don’t know, that toaster is gonna be a tough act to follow
see, she’s been complaining about her toaster for a few months, so this just shows her that I’m listening
- yeah, I’m sure that what she’s gonna take away from it - look Sharon, this gift says everything that I wanted to say
what, that you passed Sears on your way home ?
- hello, anybody home ? - ok, that’s her, you watch, she’ll love it
- hey guys - wow, you look great
ok, I was so excited about giving you my gift I couldn’t wait another minute
- I put a lot of thought into you gift too - I’m sure I’ll love it, just, open yours
- keys ! - keys, to my apartment
- sweetie, I already have keys to your apartment - no you don’t, because these are keys to my new apartment
apartment D, upstairs can you believe it ?
it's just, it never would’ve occurred to me if it hasn’t been for Sharon and Berg
I mean, I knew guys would want someone you’d like, so I tracked down the landlord, and … well … here I am
Pete got you a toaster
how can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like … estrogen ?
well, I’m sorry I lied, but you’ve gotta help me I’m in a bad way, I’m taping “guiding light” man
- so what’d he say ? - this PMS thing can sometimes last for several days
really ?
are we too moody to work ?
hey, how’s it going ?
- bloated - good
you know what ? thanks to you two, I have been at the store all day looking at dust-ruffles
- really - yeah, if you too haven’t been playing landlord, hanging up flyers all over Boston
I wouldn’t have a girlfriend for an upstairs neighbor
oh, you know, this could be good for you when Melissa takes that apartment, you’re closer, you spend more time together
before you know, you’re moving in, and after that, well, people boy
I’ll be honored to have your engagement party right here at Beacon’s street pizza we take prices of course
- my God, he’s right - we’re not gonna have the party here
- no Melissa, this is way ahead of my schedule, she can’t move in - why not ? she meets my requirements
she’s quite, she’s single jointed
nothing to it, I, am holding out for the back-licker
face it Berg, I win
oh yeah, Sharon, imagine living next door to someone who comes home from work everyday happy and fulfilled from molding the minds of children
after you’ve spent your day selling chemicals that soften the eggs of penguins !
I’ll kill myself, Melissa can’t move in
- Pete, you’ve got to tell her - I can’t, she’ll hate me
Pete my boy, I think I’m maybe able to shed some light on your situation
you’re screwed, fill her up Bill
she said six, it’s six
- maybe she changed her mind, maybe she decided … - you’re kidding yourself
I’ve got to fire somebody
- oh, my, God - Mrs. Wexler !
that explains all the cookies !
hey neighbors who wants a brownie ?
doesn’t seem like she changed her mind !
- ok Berg, go on - fine I’m just waiting for the right moment
and when would that be, my wedding ? Sharon, go, come on, go
ah, Melissa, look, yeah, I think there’s something you wanna know, ahm
I can’t get to sleep at night until I blast my stereo really …
- that’s really good - thanks, I love baking you know, cakes, cookies, pies, anything
- really, it’s moist - oh, thank you
- what’re you doing there ? - oh, just taking on the release valve on disposal
- it’s always the first thing to go - you bake and you plumb ?
sure, shower heads, toilets, Pete showed me, it’s really very simple
wow, I’m very impressed, I’ll keep the music down
I also know CPR, fire safety and flood control
this girl’s amazing, she’s like super neighbor !
you’re out, you lost your stuff kid I’ll take it from here
look, Melissa, when this apartment came open, I saw this is a real opportunity for me to meet someone
now, this has nothing to do with not wanting you in the building but … but … these …
oven mints they’ve gotta go ! I mean, little utters ?
a good mint should be more functional than decorative
when people ask me who is Melissa, I don’t wanna have to say she’s the girl with the cow oven mints !
I mean, oven mints shouldn’t make that kind of statement and point frankly I don’t know who would want to !
damn, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry
God, what is wrong with you Berg ? you’re ranting !
Melissa, I don’t want you to move in here
yes, we’re coming
- don’t just stand there, say something - like what ?
like I’ve just got punched in the stomach ?
- Melissa, how could you spring something like this on me …
- spring something ? I sprang this on you ?
- yeah, you did, you put me in a really uncomfortable position - oh God, I’m really sorry Pete
- oh, how many times have we discussed living together ? - I know, but nothing about next door
ok, I thought this at least would be a step, you know
- it’s a pretty big step - you bought me a toaster
I thought wow wow, at least he’s listening to me you know I mean a gift where it says something
and a toaster says, I wanna make breakfast for you I wanna spent my life with you
- I guess sometimes a toaster is just a toaster - oh look Melissa, this is silly
I mean think about it, if we weren’t having this stupid anniversary, everything would be fine
you know, we’d go out to dinner, we’d go the movies, we’d go to Carvel
it’s not enough anymore, a relationship has to keep going
- it’s like a shark you know, when a shark stops swimming … - it dies, I know
and we’ve stopped swimming
ok, which leaves us where ?
dead
wait wait wait, come on Melissa, maybe we just need a little break
no, no, we’ve done that, it doesn’t work you know, we just wind up getting back together again and then …
breaking up and then getting back together again and …
I know, but that’s just because … you have the …
- I donno - why is that Pete ?
Melissa I’m sorry look, I’m sorry
look, I’m not saying this is all your fault I just can’t live in this anymore
is just, hurts too much
happy anniversary Pete
- bloating ? - gone
- appetite ? - normal
- emotional ? - yes
I’m kidding
hey Pete
- what you got there ? - ah, stuff from Melissa’s apartment
- you ok ? - it kinda sucks but …
- yeah I know - you know I keep telling myself it was for the best
anybody wanna back me up on that ?
so, how’d guys leave it, still gonna talk ?
yeah we’re still friends, we’ve been through a lot
- so what am I suppose to do ? - yeah Pete
I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg
no no no, what am I suppose to do when I see her, around the neighborhood or the pizza place ?
do I like, hide behind a mail box, do I say hello, do I try to trip her ?
you say hi to her you big dummy, when she comes into the pizza place, you treat her like everybody else
yeah, you screw up her order and give her the wrong change
- you realize of course this is all of Berg’s fault ? - yeah I know, no kidding, thanks for introducing me to her
hey, I told you to date her, not to get involved with her
fair enough hey, boroz game ? five minutes ?
ok
- you know what Pete really needs right now ? - what ?
- compassion - no kidding
and a hot stewardess to move in
- huh, God, her belly button is double jointed - left foot green
- huh, you guys are so losing - and loving it